This serves one well in academia, but not in parenthood. That drive to be excellent in my career doesn't translate well as a mother.
I tend to think I've failed as a parent when anything goes wrong. It's even worse when things go horribly wrong. When my kids make damaging choices - choices that hurt themselves and others - and all I can do is sit back and watch, well...That's when I weep.
Then I have to take a breath, and another breath, and another. Because I need the breathe of the Spirit within me. I need to hope. I need to remember that God is in charge, no matter what, and He sees what I cannot see, and may never see in this life.
In her song, Lead Me On, Audrey Assad sings:
Your rod and Your staff are a strange mercy
in a world where I'm not yet home
Indeed. I am led where I do not want to go by His rod and staff, but there is a strange mercy in that. I hope in my true Home, and I hope that my children, my precious loves, will realize this as well.
I still feel like a failure sometimes, but I'm working hard at clinging to hope.