- How a normal, intelligent woman can be brought to tears over a child removing his diaper three times in a row. So he can play with it. And watch himself pee.
- How having all the kids asleep by 8 p.m. can constitute a "date night."
- The difference between a trip to Target with children (nightmarish, eternal) vs. a trip to Target without children (joyful, delicious)
- I am dressed.
- These aren't pajama pants. They're yoga pants.
- Yoga means, "I am playing on the floor with Barbie, Legos and Elmo trying to please all children simultaneously."
- Teens are incredible. They can hold conversations, be actually helpful with chores, and are developing interests and hobbies. They will do none of this with their own parent.
- Parent-teacher conferences cannot be attended while drunk and should not be attended while sober. Conundrum.
- That degree you got? Yeah. Shoulda gotten a taxi license instead. And a barber license.
- At least one of your children will be unhappy at any given time. If you're in public, it will be at least two of the children.
- People will compliment you regarding your children, and you'll smile and say "thank you" while secretly wondering if they are talking about the right kid.
- You don't know stress. Or grief. Or joy.
- Children have virtually limitless imaginations. Especially when it comes to what can be put in the toilet. You'll get to know a plumber well.
- The weather on the first day of summer vacation will be terrible. Just expect it.
- A vacation with children is about as relaxing as waiting to be taken into surgery. Without the drugs.
- Kids will surprise you. Over and over. The trick is to ponder the good surprises and not the bad ones.
- There is not such thing as a bad kid. Just a hurting kid. And sometimes, you can't take away the hurt. That hurts.
- Every family should know at least one sane psychologist. And speak to him/her frequently. I'm not kidding.
- Chores done imperfectly are still chores done. Martha Stewart doesn't live here. And if she did, my kids would drive her screaming into the street with their intentional clutter.
- You say you won't let the kids watch that much TV. Until you realize you can't make dinner without yet another round of Disney Sing-a-Long. And then that slowly grows into, "Sure turn on cartoons and eat cereal out of the box. Just let us sleep in." Eventually, the TV is on 24/7 and you are seriously thinking of deducting it on your income tax as one of your kids.
Things people without children do not understand
It is no surprise to anyone that the Catholic Church is still roiling in the clergy sex abuse scandal. And a scandal it is: I do not know ...
If you're a football fan, you know what an end run is. From Merriam-Webster: a football play in which the ballcarrier attempts to ru...
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