- How a normal, intelligent woman can be brought to tears over a child removing his diaper three times in a row. So he can play with it. And watch himself pee.
- How having all the kids asleep by 8 p.m. can constitute a "date night."
- The difference between a trip to Target with children (nightmarish, eternal) vs. a trip to Target without children (joyful, delicious)
- I am dressed.
- These aren't pajama pants. They're yoga pants.
- Yoga means, "I am playing on the floor with Barbie, Legos and Elmo trying to please all children simultaneously."
- Teens are incredible. They can hold conversations, be actually helpful with chores, and are developing interests and hobbies. They will do none of this with their own parent.
- Parent-teacher conferences cannot be attended while drunk and should not be attended while sober. Conundrum.
- That degree you got? Yeah. Shoulda gotten a taxi license instead. And a barber license.
- At least one of your children will be unhappy at any given time. If you're in public, it will be at least two of the children.
- People will compliment you regarding your children, and you'll smile and say "thank you" while secretly wondering if they are talking about the right kid.
- You don't know stress. Or grief. Or joy.
- Children have virtually limitless imaginations. Especially when it comes to what can be put in the toilet. You'll get to know a plumber well.
- The weather on the first day of summer vacation will be terrible. Just expect it.
- A vacation with children is about as relaxing as waiting to be taken into surgery. Without the drugs.
- Kids will surprise you. Over and over. The trick is to ponder the good surprises and not the bad ones.
- There is not such thing as a bad kid. Just a hurting kid. And sometimes, you can't take away the hurt. That hurts.
- Every family should know at least one sane psychologist. And speak to him/her frequently. I'm not kidding.
- Chores done imperfectly are still chores done. Martha Stewart doesn't live here. And if she did, my kids would drive her screaming into the street with their intentional clutter.
- You say you won't let the kids watch that much TV. Until you realize you can't make dinner without yet another round of Disney Sing-a-Long. And then that slowly grows into, "Sure turn on cartoons and eat cereal out of the box. Just let us sleep in." Eventually, the TV is on 24/7 and you are seriously thinking of deducting it on your income tax as one of your kids.
Things people without children do not understand
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