Walking By Faith, Catholic Zombie Edition
We walk by faith, and not by sight:
No gracious words we hear
of him who spoke as none e'er spoke
yet we believe him near.
We may not touch his hands and side,
nor follow where he trod;
yet in his promise we rejoice, and cry,
"My Lord and God!
I'm running on less than 3 hours sleep. It's cold and rainy and dreary. My office is a bit nippy, so I'm typing with fingerless gloves on. And I've had it "up to here" with God.
(I am a firm believer that it's okay to get angry at God. I know the trials and tribulations in my life are not His fault, but I gotta unload on someone, and He's got very sturdy shoulders.)
The answer I thought I had for my chronic pain turned out to be a bust. That was a day of tears and anger. There is another possible solution, but I am afraid to hope. I'm sort of in a "I'll believe it when I see it" frame of mind.
Youngest Son has broken my trust and faith yet again, in an incredibly hurtful way. I am scrambling to pick up the pieces. I'll forgive him, but I won't trust him for a very long time, if ever - and I cannot imagine a more hurtful realization for a mother towards a child.
I'm just trying to put exhausted foot in front of the other here. There are no gracious words, no consolation of Christ's touch, no sense of direction.
Many years ago, my beloved sister-in-law helped me make my Consecration to Mary. This has been a lifesaver. There have been times - like now - that I cannot even pray. I merely finger the beads of my Rosary, and beg Mary to cover me with her mantle. I'll grab the end, tie a knot and hang on.
Zombies are so popular in our "culture" (I use that word advisedly). Sometimes, in our faith walk, we are zombies. We can't think, we don't pray, we just plod along, trying desperately to keep our soul on life support. Thanks be to God we have the sacraments, especially the Eucharist: truly life support!
Lack of sleep, far too much stress (and don't anyone dare to tell me to light a scented candle and take a bath - I will come after you!), a broken relationship, and physical pain: there is not any clear path for me. Faith, and the Blessed Mother's guidance, are the only things keeping me plodding along. Like zombies, this is not a pretty part of the spiritual walk, but I'll keep going until God offers me a better path, if it be His will.
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