Lent has gotten away from me. Let not love.

Yeah, Lent kinda got away from me. Nobody but me to blame.

I think I'm still recovering from surgery, even though I feel fine. I can pretty much do whatever I want. I also freely admit that I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to go for a walk, and a mile from home, the pain will return.

I am really afraid of the pain. That pain that puts me down on the floor, screaming. That pain that makes everything black and red, seeing only a tunnel with no end. That pain. That pain that overwhelms me, makes me want whatever will allow me to escape it. That pain.

Lent is sort of about pain. We focus on what Jesus experienced. Carrying that Cross - my Cross - on his back that was torn open by the lashes of a soldier.  Meeting those mothers who wept for Him and turning their sorrow back to themselves. Having to look His Mother in the eyes, knowing that everything He was feeling was tearing into Her Immaculate Heart. Yet he chose that pain, for that pain was Love. He risked Himself for love - His love for each of us.

You treat us not as we deserve but as you choose, and your choice is love. (Magnificat, April.)

All this pain and physical stress has turned me so inward. I've been so neglectful of Dear Husband. He is such a steady guy - always, always, always has my back. He does more than his fair share and does it with no complaint. We've been married almost 30 years, and I've been neglectful.

You treat us not as we deserve but as you choose, and your choice is love.

I've hardly done half the things I planned to do for Lent. I'm too lazy, too complacent. The pain and anxiety and stress of the last year have made me a bit of a recluse. It's just easier to stay home. I don't even date my husband when he asks; I make an excuse for a "quiet day." I'm so stupid. I choose myself over love. I've let the pain make the decisions.

You treat us not as we deserve but as you choose, and your choice is love.

Every single day, we are allowed the choice: love or not. I've been choosing "not" far too often. And Lent has gotten away from me. Let not love.

You treat us not as we deserve but as you choose, and your choice is love. Lord, let me choose love as well. Let me choose love for my marriage, for my husband, for our family. Let me choose love for that loud woman in the grocery store who rudely shoves my cart out of the way instead of asking. Let me choose love for my daughter who asks the same question 117 times. Let me choose love when I have to admit to a mistake at work. Let me choose love when the conversation turns to gossip. Let me choose love even when I am tired, in pain, grouchy, over-worked, stressed and afraid. 

You treat us not as we deserve but as you choose, and your choice is love. Let me choose love as well.

Lent has gotten away from me. Let not love.

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