In case you're marking my scorecard, in the past 18 months, we've lost our house, my mom died, I've been diagnosed with inoperable spinal cysts, my daughter moved 1000 miles away and I've been through two jobs.
Can anyone say, "Job?"
Did I not weep for him whose day was hard?
Was nor my soul grieved for the poor?
But when I look for good, evil came;
and when I waited for light, darkness came.
My heart is in turmoil, and is never still
days of affliction come to meet me. (Job 30:25-27)
I was told yesterday, before I even set my purse down, that I was being "let go" since my department needed a third graphic designer, not a writer and editor. Budget, you know. So I hurriedly tossed the contents of my desk into a bunch of boxes and drove home, hot tears burning my eyes.
I am so incredibly tired. I have no desire to find another job. I have poured myself, heart and soul, into my past two jobs, both of which I would have gladly worked at until I retired. I loved my work. My co-workers are kind, caring, thoughtful people with whom I prayed every day. I worked hard, did everything asked of me, never gave a fig about "job descriptions."
And I got booted. Tough luck, kid. We don't want you anymore. I don't think I can go through this again.
Summer stretches in front of me. I'd love to enjoy the long days, no schedule. Maybe I will. Dear Husband thinks I need to write, so I'll investigate some possibilities there.
Like Job, I try to stay faithful to God, but I sure would love to know His plans for me. I am feeling like I am the biggest failure ever. Just as we are starting to get back on our feet financially, we lose my income. Back to squeaking by, back to having no money for extras, back to no vacation (third year in a row.) Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
How incredibly defective I am. What a terrible disappointment I must be to my parents. God keeps stripping me: of jobs, our home, money, kids. What is left, God? What more do I have that must be lost? Must I have my skin torn off, be left completely raw? Will I ever have understanding?
I'm going to rest, and read, and pray. Next week, I'll look for a job, and file for unemployment. But, really God, what more do I have for you to take? Maybe that is a question I shouldn't ask, because if I lose my husband, my children ... I will have hit my limit.
God has loosed my cord and humbled me. I am just hoping that the cord doesn't end up around my neck.