|Art by Lulu22 @ Deviant Art|
Yes, I know that so many others have suffered far more than I: the Syrian Christians, the people of Turkey, the mother whose child has been hospitalized for more than a year with a rare illness. Their suffering has been enormous.
Now is one of those times in my life when prayer becomes a gaping yaw. There are often no words, just tears. I cling to my rosary, talking to Mary.
My biggest concern right now is that I have lost all trust in people. My last two jobs, I had bosses who've nurtured and taught me professionally, pushed me when I needed it, were stringent regarding my writing and were so very kind to me.
Until I got booted.
Now, I'm wondering if I can ever trust someone in management above me again. I'll always be second-guessing myself, trying to figure out if what they are telling me is some sort of veiled declaration or clue - and here I am, with no decoder ring.
It hurts me to my very core. I worked at a place where I truly believe I made a difference, and that my skill set was valued. I thought the work I did was important, not just to the company but to the people we served.
But: no. I'm not valuable or necessary or important. I am done.
Thankfully, we have a bit of a financial cushion so that I can take it easy for a month or so. I'll be looking, but several people have told me I need to be writing. I have two books in mind right now (one started), so maybe this is it.
My path is very dark right now. The brambles scratch my ankles, and the thick blushes on eather side seem to be hiding ... something. Something venomous or dangerous is lurking. I feel not only alone, but scared.
I've got some things in the positive column, but I keep thinking: who the hell is gonna hire a chubby 52 year old to run their social media? If I'm up against a lithe 25 year old, I'll lose every time.
For now, I am resting, reading, praying. It's all I can do.